WHAT NOW, BITCHES!

Dear Patriots Haters,

All I’ve heard for the last few weeks has been “Oh man, I can’t wait for the Patriots to get ruined/crushed/raped/curb-stomped (choose one) by the Colts”. Well, game over, you lose. Who’re you going to turn to now? The fucking Ravens, who lost to Buffalo last week and only managed to put up 9 goddamn points on a shit-heap San Francisco defense? Or maybe you turn to the Steelers who haven’t won a game in Foxboro in this century? I don’t really care at this point; whoever you put your faith in is going to lose.

You all scream about Bill Belichick being pure evil because he videotaped opposing coaches. And who knows, maybe he is? Maybe he does spend his weeks killing children while exposing himself to old ladies and snorting lines of cocaine off Satan’s ass but he wins on Sundays and that’s all that matters.

I honestly don’t see this team losing to anyone during the regular season if they can play that bad against a team as good as Indianapolis and still win. It’s just not going to happen. And even if I wasn’t a Patriots fan, I’d be rooting for them now just to make the ’72 Dolphins shut the fuck up.

Finally, to anyone who has said “the championships are tainted”, called the team cheaters, used the words Patriotgate/Spygate/Cameragate in a non-ironic way or called for death and serious injury to members of the Patriots and their families, I hope you choke on a dick.

Sincerely,

Caf

How about those Patriots?

Can you say "four game divisional lead after week five"? Because I certainly can. Let's have a look at the AFC East matchups for the coming weekend to show you that I'm not pulling totally impossible situations out of my ass.

Browns (2-2) @ Patriots (4-0)
If you are in a survival pick-em pool this is definitely the game to bet on this week. The Patriots are running over defenses like they are the fucking Killdozer and have yet to win a game by less than three touchdowns.

Jets (1-3) @ Giants (2-2)
This game has the highest chance for a team from the AFC East not named the Patriots to actually win. They probably feel like shit after losing to the Bills so I'll take the Giants at home.

Dolphins (0-4) @ Texans (2-2)
The Dolphins will win a game when Notre Dame wins a game.

Cowboys (4-0) @ Bills (1-3)
The Bills enter this week giving up an average of 430 yards per game on defense and the Cowboys gain an average of 440 yards per game on offense. It's safe to say that the Cowboys spend 60 minutes of gametime suprise sexing the Bills this weekend.

If the weekend pans out like my super-scientific picks predict that is a four game lead for the division. Fuck, I knew the Pats were going to be a good team this year but this is unheard of. Who would have thought that the addition of a legitimate receiving corps would give us this much of an edge over the rest of the division. And we still get to look forward to the return of Rodney Harrison and Richard Seymour. THE TEAM IS ACTUALLY GOING TO GET BETTER FROM HERE. THAT SHOULD NOT BE POSSIBLE.

Side note: For anyone who is wondering, Moss is on pace for 2020 yards and 28 touchdowns. Holy. Fuck.